ANTM: Who should have won?

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL SPOILERS DEAD AHEAD!

Whitney? Are you kidding me?!

In fact, every single one of the final FOUR “models” were entirely duff choices.

Just imagine – if Whitney had not won (pretty plausible given that her full-figured-and-proud runway walk was an almost exact copy of Toccara’s I-have-crazy-amounts-of-personality-and-also-flail-my-arms walk from season 3 which almost made Janice vomit on her own large-lady hatred) then who would have worn the Covergirl crown?

Well, the runner up was Anya. Dear, sweet, caring, utterly incomprehensible Anya, whose Covergirl commercial was pretty much a death-by-posing disaster despite Mr Jay’s assurance to contrary. Honestly, the day that guy’s critique matches reality is the day he stops dressing like a tangerine off to fight in the space wars.

Anyway, given the emphasis on “spokesmodel” – an entirely fictitious occupation where the model sits on a panel in front of fake reporters to discuss makeup, pretending that the situation has all the gravitas of a UN security council session – the show constantly gives, Anya should have been ousted in week 2.

Moving further back we had Fatima from Somalia. Fatima actually missed a photoshoot because she was too morose AND stupid to remember that every single cycle has the models travelling abroad and had therefore “misplaced her papers”. Cue an eleventh hour dash to get a replacement passport and arrive back at the airport just in time for Tyra to eliminate a girl who was far prettier so that Fatima could carry on crying in a different continent. (I am fully aware of the poverty and hardship she has suffered but she was also manipulative, rude, insincere, and entered a vapid contest where Tyra Banks encourages me to judge others harshly).

Shall we go back to the third runner-up? Let’s! Well, it’s Dominique. Dominique had the fashion sense of a head louse, referred to herself unrelentingly in the third person, and looked approximately four thousand years old.

So if not any of these ninnies, who?! MARVITA, that’s who. She looked at the other girls like she would cut them bad, she had some sort of crazy horse tail mohawk by the end of it and that girl was hella fierce.

I suppose I ought to try and keep things in perspective because it’s only TV but, people, it’s REALITY TV! These people exist! Anya really did get lots of naked challenge prizes! Dominique really is out there looking elderly and dragalicious! Fatima really does have smaller eyes than Howard Moon!

For fun, and because I’m staving off a job application I have decided to look at previous winners and who I think should have replaced them:

Cycle 9: Here we saw Saleisha take the crown and put it on her ridiculously badly coiffed head despite probably not even being eligible to enter the contest due to her previous work with Tyra, her modelling contract, and her commercial appearances. The fact that she and Chantal were picked over Jenah “I don’t have to spew rainbows incessantly just for girls to want to be like me” Doucette really didn’t sit well with me for HOURS.

Cycle 8: Jaslene was a mean Cycle 7 reject with a jaw you could break rocks on. She beat Natasha who was all kinds of wonderful crazy and stunning to boot. And she had hilarious phone sex with her husband.

Cycle 7: CariDee’s only redeeming moment was when she asked Nigel whether he had removed the stick from his ass after he last judging panel. I was rooting for mad mad Melrose “I don’t need no ‘issa’ ” Bickerstaff who designed and made her own clothes, knew the industry inside out, and probably stalked fashion as if t’were some sort of beast.

Cycle 6: Okay, so I loved Danielle. I loved that she didn’t get her teeth redone to Tyra’s standards and kept her Southern accent. But I would have preferred the MIGHTY Jade Cole. Behold the best of Jade:

Nicole and Naima from Cycles 5 and 4 respectively were dull as dull can be and shoud have been replaced with Kim Stolz and Kahlen Rondot (also respectively).

Eva was acceptable from the bunch of Cycle 3 wannabes but only AFTER Toccara had left. That girl kept a whole rotisserie chicken by her bed in case she got hungry in the night. I love her.

Cycle 2: should have been Shandi (who cheated on her boyfriend with a male model on screen – personal issues ahoy) or Mercedes (now starring in some fast food restaurant advert) rather than Yoanna “I used to be 60lb heavier and now look like a twiglet but I don’t have an eating disorder…honest” House.

Cycle 1: Elyse. Without a shadow of a doubt it should have been Elyse.

There are some kudos to Adrianne though because since winning the show she has slagged Tyra Banks off so roundly for the shambles that was ANTM that the program has totally dissociated itself from her although I’m tempted to claw back those kudos since she married one of the Brady Bunch.

So there you have it. A bit of a concern that my choice of winner is generally synonymous with “craziest person of the entire series” but in all fairness the ones who aren’t battling ten different kinds of crazy are cookie cutter models not worth wasting type over.

Do any of you even watch this?! If so tell me your favourites!

I end with Tyra Banks going crazy:

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