Christmas Card 19! The Kardashians at Kristmas

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Photo: Nick Saglimbeni

The Kardashian Kristmas Kard is out and… Lord help me but it’s just not as good as last year’s. Last year was ice blue and bow ties and ridiculously retouched butts. This year it’s either music video on a tight budget or one of those supremely smug foldout magazine covers with a heap of actors Photoshopped into an ensemble piece just to batter you around the eyeballs with famous faces.

Obviously this has not stopped me from thinking about it obsessively for an entire day, though, and I shall share the fruits of this forthwith:

  1. They have done an all-white photoshoot before and honestly? It was soooooo much better. Santa was there and Bruce Jenner’s hair was astonishing. It was kind of like if the 2013 card had a baby with the video for East 17’s Stay.
  2. That coffee table is horrible.
  3. Kanye is absent. We have known (and by “we” I mean “I knew it and there’s a slim chance you did to so let’s say we because it makes me feel better”) that he would be absent for a little while now but it seems a shame given his wardrobe would lend itself to this exact occasion so well. Yeezy does love an all-white ensemble.
  4. Not absent, however, is Kanye’s gift to Kim — Mercy the kitten. Mercy looks about as wide eyed and terrified as she usually did in photos where Kim was toting her around. I say “did” because Kim apparently developed an allergy and gave Mercy to an assistant before the assistant had to have the kitten put to sleep because of stomach cancer. I find her presence a little unsettling, especially given how wide-eyed she is and how completely ignored by everyone she seems. Perhaps the Photoshopper left her in as a kind of Memento Mori?
  5. Bruce looks like he’s a festival queen on a regional carnival float, waving benevolently at everyone from a throne made of tissue paper and toilet roll tubes.
  6. Times must be tough in the Kardashian household if they can’t spring for a real fake DJ and instead ask Rob to step up. Rob is standing at the back waving which is pretty symbolic if you’re familiar with the show.
  7. Kendall. Kendall is the one on the right, just underneath her mother’s champagne-toting wing (because why bother making a point if you’re going to be all “subtle” about it?) This picture basically cements her position as “second generation Kardashian most likely to succeed as marketing and branding nexus”. Snaps for Kendall.
  8. Why does Kris have a different kind of champagne glass to everyone else? What’s that about?
  9. In other champagne glass news, Khloe is about to tip hers out onto her mother’s head.
  10. If you really wanted I could talk about the composition (how Mason is the centre of the family) or the outfits (only Penelope and Kendall are elevated from the mass by being excused from bodycon), about the fact there is one fewer drink than there are adults of drinking age or maybe I could note that the silver embellishments still mark Kim out as the family’s biggest earner. But really, does it matter?

 
The 2012 picture feels very much just a photo of someone else’s family. Sure the faces are familiar and they’re all roughly playing to character but where’s the ridiculousness? Where’s the glitter? Where’s the bonkers set dressing? Where’s the Kardashian-ness?

Come on Kardashians, STEP IT UP FOR 2013, ‘kay?

>> Reality television — or something like it

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